Homer Simpson does an eat and sleep

The Chairman [Short Story]

by Joshua Perrett

I arrived home from a hard day’s work, legs aching to be rested. When I walked into the lounge I found a man I’d never seen before, slumped into the chair in front of the TV as if it were his own.

“Hello,” he said.

“Do I know you?” I replied.

“You do now.”

“Hmm, not really. I don’t even know your name.”

“Michael.”

“Okay Michael, why are you in my-”

“Aren’t you going to ask how I’m doing?”

“I think the question is what are you doing?”

“I’m sitting in your chair.”

“Yes, I can see that.”

“It’s very comfortable.”

“I know. I like to sit on it after work…”

“Come and join me, then. There’s plenty of room.”

“I’d rather have it to myself. I’d like to stretch my legs out.”

“You can stretch them out over me.”

“No. I’d like you to leave now, Michael.”

“But I want to stay.”

“I’ll phone the police.”

“That won’t work.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m a policeman.”

“Where’s your uniform?”

“At the station, silly, I’ve finished work for today.”

“Can I see your ID, then?”

“That’s at the station, too.”

“Well, if I phone the police and ask them to come round, maybe they’ll recognise you.”

“I don’t think they will.”

“And why’s that?”

“Because I’m an undercover policeman.”

“So not even your colleagues know you?”

“That’s right, a good secret agent never lets his guard down.”

“You’ve already told me who you are, Michael.”

“Ah, but you haven’t seen who I am.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I’m wearing a special suit, a second skin. It keeps my identity hidden.”

“Prove it.”

“But you’ll find out who I am.”

“That’s the point.”

“Then I won’t be undercover any more.”

“If you have no second skin on, you’re not the man you say you are.”

“I know. That’s the point.”

“So you can’t prove that you’re an undercover copper, then?”

“That’s right, it’d be pointless if I could.”

“Do you have any family, Michael? Maybe they could come and collect you.”

“I have a wife.”

“Great, how about you give me her number, and I’ll ask her to pop round?”

“Give you my wife’s number? In your dreams.”

“What about your home telephone number, then?”

“0.”

“Yeah.”

“0.”

“Uhuh.”

“0.”

“Yep.”

“0.”

“Four zeros, Michael, really?”

“0.”

“Great. Just tell me where you live and I’ll drive you there.”

“I live here.”

“No you don’t. I do.”

“You don’t look very at home to me. Why don’t you sit down, put your feet up?”

“I’d love to but there’s someone in my place.”

“Really, who’s that?”

“Oh, I don’t know, Michael. Do you?”

“No.”

“Ha, funny that. Very funny… IF YOU DON’T LEAVE NOW, I’LL RIP YOU OUT OF THAT CHAIR AND THROW YOU OUTSIDE.”

“Well there’s no need to shout.”

“YES THERE IS. WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING HERE?”

“My name’s Michael, I’m an undercover policeman, and I’m sitting on your chair.”

“Great, just great. I’m going to count up to 5 and when I get there, I want you to disappear. Got it?”

“Yep.”

“1… 2… 3… Why aren’t you moving?”

“You haven’t got to 5 yet.”

“4… 5… You’re still here. Why haven’t you gone?”

“Count up to a bigger number, I’m watching the football.”

“There, the TV’s off now. Time to go, Michael.”

“I was enjoying that.”

“You can watch it at home.”

“No I can’t, I haven’t got a TV.”

“Well I’ll buy you one if you leave now.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really.”

“What kind of TV?”

“I don’t know, any old one. Anything for you to leave.”

“I want the biggest one in the shop.”

“Fine.”

“With a hi-fi system.”

“Okay.”

“And Sky+.”

“Right.”

“With Sky Sports.”

“Uhuh.”

“And Sky Movies.”

“Yes okay, you can have whatever you want, let’s just go.”

“Err.”

“What?”

“Hmm.”

“What, what is it?”

“I think I’ve changed my mind.”

“Brilliant.”

“Can I have this chair instead?”

“Sure, take the lot, the TV, the chair-”

“Your cat?”

“The cat, the fruit bowl, the table, and the keys. Catch. I won’t be needing those any more. Goodbye, Michael.” And with that, I left the house. Now my head hurt as well as my legs.


You can now find a radio comedy sketch version of this story below (7 minutes in):


This story was originally posted on buttyhands.com, a blog I used to write for, and was inspired by ronovanwrites’ writing prompt: https://ronovanwrites.wordpress.com/2016/05/06/friday-fiction-with-ronovan-writes-prompt-challenge-25-a-guest-appearance/#Prompt


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